the misfit west

Tag: relationships

  • not a fit

    The mushrooms are separated by plastic. The white button mushrooms sit sealed and identical, pale under taut film, each one interchangeable with the next. They look like what grocery stores like to sell: clean, standardized, anonymous. I lift the package, feel how light it is, how little resistance there is to it, and put it back. My dog lets out a small “woo” and nudges the foam package with her nose, sending it sliding into the identical containers behind it. I say, “you’re right, you’re right,” agreeing with the dog, who has no knowledge of mushrooms and only cares about scraps later.

    The local mushrooms are loose. Crimini. Soft in the hand. Springy. They don’t match each other. Some are wider, some darker, some still holding a trace of soil in the creases. I scoop them into a bag and think about not slicing them at all. I imagine them whole, leaning against a pile of potatoes, browned slowly, gravy thickening around them. Mushroom gravy. Lentil loaf. I’ve claimed vegetarianism again—part conviction, part refusal—after what I saw in Nebraska. After Tyson. After the way animals and people are handled until they resemble units more than lives.

    Farmers come to mind. Hands that still touch what they grow. And then the hands that don’t. Production, not the store. The place where animals stop being animals long before they stop moving. The line. The speed. The work divided so finely that no one carries the whole thing. One cut. One lift. One motion repeated until the body performs it without asking.

    Patterns emerge both back at the Tyson plant in Nebraska and here in Laramie at the food co-op.

    In both places, the jobs closest to the animals belong to people who arrived recently. People who speak quietly or not at all. People who know better than to slow the line. Their presence is tolerated because it is temporary, because it is replaceable, because it holds the system together just long enough to keep moving. Sociologists call this flexibility. Towns call it opportunity. The people inside it learn a different word.

    Above them, supervision. Clipboards. Fluency. Authority that never touches blood. People who can stop the line but rarely do. Hands clean enough to eat afterward without thinking.

    Above that, offices. Light. Meetings. Decisions made far from the floor but justified by it. Yield. Risk mitigation. Language designed to smooth what it never has to witness.

    And then the town, the town I live in now. Laramie.

    A town arranged around the certainty that this is how things work. That this is what employment looks like. That this is what keeps doors open and checks clearing. A town that learns quickly which questions stall the line and which ones are better left unasked.

    Researchers describe places like this as high in bonding and low in bridging. Strong internal ties. Weak tolerance for difference. Deep familiarity paired with shallow permeability. It shows up less in what people say than in how quickly they close ranks.

    Fatigue settles unevenly. In some bodies it looks expected, even respectable. It grants space. It sharpens authority instead of dulling it. Irritability passes without comment. Repetition reads as history. Resistance reads as experience. And my body becomes a symbol of resistance.

    I know I should dress better, use make-up but I’ve become so wary of the way eyes drift over my 6’2″ frame and my power comes from whatever sexualized version of myself that has started to plant in the minds of men who see me as new. I had their numbers the last time I was here.

    In other bodies the same slowing draws scrutiny. It asks for explanation. It suggests instability. The identical posture, the identical tiredness, lands differently depending on who carries it. If it were a man dressed in a suit or if it was a whole black lab instead of my crippled husky and my underdressed self, maybe we would have authority.

    By the time food reaches the store, the sorting is finished. By the time I reach the store, my value has been predetermined.

    Who touched it. Who touched me.

    Who watched.  Who ignored me.

    Who decided.  Who ghosted.

    Who benefited.  Who’s marginalized.

    Who was never meant to be visible. And I can’t seem to make myself small enough.

    The white button mushrooms make sense in this order. Uniform. Wrapped. Nothing about them asks where they came from or who handled them or what it cost to make them so clean. They move quickly. They don’t interrupt anything.

    The local mushrooms don’t move that way. Someone had to know the land. Someone had to risk irregularity. Someone had to accept loss. They require a different pace, a different tolerance.

    The bag fills. I tie it.

    That’s when I hear it.

    You can’t have your dog in here.

    I say what I always say.

    She is a service animal.

    There’s a pause. A look. The kind that finishes its assessment before you’ve noticed it start. The up-and-down scan. The question that doesn’t need words.

    The person speaking isn’t a stranger. I know them. First and last name. History. Familiarity. I had assumed alignment. This was the farm-to-table store I’d chosen deliberately, drawn by its language, its friendliness, the suggestion that community extended beyond signage.

    Only then does it occur to me that the evaluation likely began when I walked in.

    The mushrooms feel heavier.

    I leave them on the counter.

    After that, I start noticing how many places ask me to explain myself.

    Not directly. With posture. With pauses that last just long enough to register. With questions asked twice, then again, each repetition tightening the room a little more. This is how gatekeeping works now—not through refusal, but through delay.

    Someone speaking louder than necessary. Someone gesturing instead of answering. Someone addressing the dog before addressing me. Someone stepping back as if proximity itself requires permission.

    None of it becomes an argument. It accumulates instead. A running tally of how much room I’m allowed to take before I begin to cost other people something.

    I start timing my movements. How long I linger. How slowly I bend. Whether the dog’s body crosses an invisible line that makes someone else uncomfortable. Urban planners would call this friction. Therapists call it hypervigilance. The body just calls it learning.

    The thrift store follows the same pattern. Same posture. Same disbelief. I had been there the day before sorting out a membership issue—three hundred dollars, lifetime, already paid—only to be asked again if I was sure I was who I said I was. Name. Phone number. A record in their system for over a decade because I’ve never changed it.

    Are you sure this is you?

    Being known and being recognized turn out to be different things.

    I’ve lived here before. For years. Long enough to learn the wind, how it scrapes the face in winter, how it carries sound across distances that look empty but aren’t. Long enough to know how the town contracts when days shorten, how social life thins, how people retreat without saying so. Long enough to understand that winter’s hardest part isn’t the cold, but the slowing that never quite softens.

    I left.

    Not dramatically. Not with a declaration. Just the accumulation of knowing I’d reached the edge of what this place could offer me then. I left to get trained. To learn. To acquire language and tools and ways of being useful to people whose pain I could finally name.

    Elsewhere, the training mattered.

    Institutions adjusted. Conversations stretched. Experience accumulated forward. Sociologists describe this as circulation—knowledge moving through systems and changing them slightly each time it passes.

    When I came back, that movement stalled.

    Questions landed cautiously. Suggestions drifted without anchoring. Conversations circled familiar ground. Skill was reinterpreted as temperament. Experience earned elsewhere arrived already suspect. Credentialing didn’t elevate me here; it unsettled the hierarchy.

    Duration carried more weight than range. Familiarity outweighed competence. Staying—even unhappily—counted more than leaving to learn and returning changed.

    Nothing dramatic marked the shift. Invitations thinned. Silence grew denser.

    Paths were worn deeply enough that deviation showed immediately. Adjustment slowed things down. Care complicated the flow. Closed systems protect themselves by exhausting those who try to widen them.

    I walk with a dog who moves slowly. She lies down and waits. She does not bark. She does not approach anyone. She does not demand attention. Need becomes visible simply by her being there.

    That visibility changes how everything else is read.

    Independence is prized here. Self-containment. The ability to move through space without asking it to change. Anything that interrupts that story draws attention, not because it is loud, but because it refuses to disappear.

    I begin keeping a list.

    What moves easily:

    familiarity 

    endurance 

    uninterrupted presence 

    contained emotion 

    bodies that do not require pause 

    What does not:

    experience earned elsewhere 

    returning altered 

    care work 

    untranslated critique 

    visible limitation 

    Nothing about this sorting is announced. It happens politely. Procedurally. Through tone, repetition, and disbelief delivered calmly.

    The same logic repeats outside the store.

    Housing works this way. Availability is discussed as if it’s fluid, but rooms don’t move much. Leases circulate among the same hands. Exceptions appear briefly and then withdraw.

    Professional space follows suit. Offices change names but not rhythms. Programs rebrand. Language updates. The rooms stay calibrated to the same pace, the same assumptions about who needs what and how much time they’re allowed to take asking for it.

    Care is welcomed in theory. In practice it’s met with impatience. The work that moves fastest is the work that doesn’t linger. Anything slower begins to feel like obstruction.

    Training sharpens the contrast. The more language I carry, the clearer it becomes which rooms were never built to hold it. Which conversations stall the moment something unfamiliar enters.

    What looks like openness functions more like display. Yard signs. Mission statements. Posters about inclusion taped to walls that haven’t changed in decades.

    The welcome stops at the threshold.

    I stop trying to explain myself into these spaces.

    Explanation only widens the gap.

    The jokes about not moving here circulate easily. Protective humor. A way of guarding value where margins are thin. Things cost a lot. More than they should. The access people cite doesn’t justify it. Still, the insistence on specialness persists.

    For someone without inherited belonging, who learned early that place would have to carry more weight, there isn’t much here to hold on to.

    That doesn’t make the place bad.

    It makes it exact.

    I think again about the mushrooms left on the counter. The sealed ones, perfect and untouched. The irregular ones, alive and unfinished, set aside once the assessment was complete.

    Later I cook something simpler. Or I don’t cook at all. Hunger gives way to clarity.

    Understanding what a place cannot offer steadies something.

    The question changes.

    What kind of movement is allowed here?

    Once that becomes clear, leaving stops feeling like failure.

    It reads instead like fluency.

  • crumbs

    The room was in the basement of the education building, too small for the number of desks they had forced into it. Fluorescent lights buzzed overhead. No windows. The kind of room that held heat even in winter, where the air never quite moved. Some of the desks were bolted to the floor, their plastic arms too narrow for a few of the bodies assigned to them—knees pressed into particleboard, thighs wedged, nowhere to shift without scraping. Space had already been decided before anyone sat down.

    She was across from me when it happened.

    The sentence came out wrong, like something dropped mid-chew. Too many crackers or popcorn at once—dry, pale crumbs spilling ahead of intention. My dad leaving is like your dad dying. The words landed between us and stayed there. I watched them fall and felt the familiar calculation rise: I’ll have to clean these up.

    I learned that reflex early. As a teenager, I worked bar shifts at a diner where the carpet never fully recovered. After closing, when the last men finally stood and left, I got down on my knees with a broom and dustpan and collected what had been pressed into the floor all night—crackers crushed to powder, fries softened by beer, sugar ground into sticky grit. One in the morning. School the next day. Homework waiting on the kitchen table. The smell of grease living in my hair. The floor never empty. The work never finished. You learn young that some messes arrive without warning and belong to you the moment they hit the ground.

    Crumbs don’t stay where they fall. They migrate. They work into seams and corners. They reappear later, when you think the room has been cleared. The education always comes after everyone else has gone home.

    Gillette taught me that before I had language for it. Boomtown logic. Extraction culture. Men who arrived loud and left quietly. Fathers who disappeared without ceremony. Adults whose moods shifted with the market. You learned to read tone the way you read weather—not morally, but practically. Who returned altered. Who made promises only when work was good. Who went silent when the money thinned. It wasn’t a story with a beginning and end. It was an atmosphere. A way of growing up alert, tuned to pressure changes, trained to expect disappearance without explanation.

    That kind of upbringing doesn’t announce itself as trauma. It trains your nervous system. You stop asking why. You start watching behavior.

    Years later, in Colorado, the lessons returned through the body. In slot canyons, for example, where the water looks calm until you step in. Cold steals your breath first, then your legs. The walls narrow until the sky becomes a ribbon overhead. Sound changes. Turning around stops being an option almost immediately. You move because not moving isn’t possible. You learn how panic wastes oxygen, how thrashing costs more than stillness, how to let the canyon set the pace instead of trying to narrate your way through it.

    Colorado, in general, was an apprenticeship in duration. Not summits or views so much as mornings where your mouth was dry before you started, afternoons when the weather turned faster than forecast, evenings when you realized you had misjudged how long something would take. Early on, I packed wrong. Moved too fast. Treated fatigue like a problem to overpower. Later, I learned to carry differently. To slow down. To stop performing the experience for myself and attend to the next necessary thing.

    I worked alongside people who had more than I did—houses, trucks, boats, the kind of access that turns certain experiences into weekends instead of once-only passages. They were generous. They invited me along. They were also heavy with the same sadness that lives anywhere long enough. Depression doesn’t thin at altitude. It settles just as thick. The difference wasn’t pain. It was margin. When they were tired, they went home. When something broke, there was room to fix it. When plans fell apart, there was somewhere soft enough to land. Access doesn’t erase suffering, but it changes how long it lasts and how much it costs.

    Mountains don’t care about intention. Trails don’t register language. Weather doesn’t negotiate. They sort people by preparation and tolerance and luck, and they do it without commentary. Bravado gets punished. Ignorance too. Sometimes kindness does as well. You figure it out quickly because pretending costs more the longer you’re exposed.

    So when certain narratives are offered as universal, they don’t always land for me. Not because harm isn’t real, but because context matters. Not all fear behaves the same in a body. Not all damage asks for language. Some of it asks for endurance. Some of it teaches you to keep moving because stopping has never been safe.

    There is a version of care now that borrows the look of hard places without submitting to them. Mountains as mood boards. Rivers as backdrops. Kindness styled as identity. Language doing the work bodies once had to do. It photographs well. It promises relief without aftermath. It mistakes proximity for passage.

    Wyoming is where that illusion falls apart. Dirty shops that smell like diesel and metal. Floors scarred beyond repair. People windburned and blunt, uninterested in performance. You walk in, say what you need, either get it or you don’t. Nobody sells virtue. Help looks like action—like staying, like doing the thing in front of you, like moving on without ceremony.

    The Grand Canyon came later, and it came differently. There were permits and lists and gear I didn’t own. I borrowed what I could. I packed light because light was all I had. Once on the river, days lost their edges. Mornings were about loading the boat the same way every time so nothing shifted when the water did. Afternoons were about heat and shade and learning the sound of rapids before you saw them. Nights were quiet in a way that felt earned. The canyon walls held the dark.

    The river did not care who we were. It carried us whether we respected it or not. Once you commit, there is no opting out—only the discipline of staying upright, of reading water correctly, of knowing when to paddle and when to let go. Weight mattered. What you brought mattered. What you carried for someone else mattered. I understood then why some people never leave and some never return. Passage changes you, but not in ways that translate cleanly.

    Some experiences let you enter once, briefly, freely, without asking you to make a story out of them afterward. I don’t know if I’ll ever have that again. That feels important to record without turning it into proof.

    For a long time, I thought the point was to explain all this. To translate it. To make it legible. Now I think the point is accuracy. To leave the record intact. To resist turning lived terrain into something smoother than it was.

    Some people learn care as a feeling. Others learn it as a responsibility that shows up whether you’re ready or not. I know which kind I trust—the kind shaped by repetition, by constraint, by staying long enough for the shine to wear off.

    Some messes get cleaned.

    Some stay lodged in the floor.

    Either way,

    someone lives with what’s left behind.